im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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