I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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