quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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