Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
