So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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