I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
