I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize