Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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