She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
