Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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