god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
