Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
The beer is more important than you right now.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
