i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
