So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
