I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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