Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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