So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
