Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
