I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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