I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize