she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
He is an equal opportunity slut.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize