my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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