you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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