I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
