Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
