bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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