why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
