so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
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