So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
