I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
