Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
