Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
