i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
