Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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