I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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