the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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