Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
