Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
please come you make the beer taste better
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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