four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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