What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Walk of Shame today included voting.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Randomize
