Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
