morning after pill = breakfast in bed
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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