The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Randomize
