I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
