If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Randomize
