hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
