you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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