Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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