Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
