I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Randomize
