you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
My dad just said "fuck circus"
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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