..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Randomize
