it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
