great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
