His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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