I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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