i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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