just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
