bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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