I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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